As parents, it's natural to want the best for our children. We often find ourselves trying to control their thoughts and feelings, believing that by changing their internal experiences, we can shape their behavior.
However, this parenting control agenda often leads to frustration and stress for both parents and children.
The Parenting Control Agenda: A Trap We Often Fall Into
The parenting control agenda is based on the idea that we can control our children's thoughts and feelings to influence their behavior. For example, if our child is feeling shy, we might try to stop them from feeling that way in social situations. Or if they have low self-esteem, we might attempt to boost their confidence.
However, attempting to control our children's internal experiences is not only futile but also stressful. As much as we might want to, we cannot change how our children think and feel, and trying to do so can create tension in our relationships with them.
The Shaping Agenda: A Different Perspective
Instead of focusing on changing our children's internal experiences, we can adopt a shaping agenda. With this approach, we recognize that we cannot control our children's thoughts and feelings, but we can influence their behavior by shaping their environment. One of the hardest things about this, is that is usually means focusing our control efforts on our own behavior and less on the behavior of our child.
Here are some key principles of the shaping agenda:
Focus on the Environment: Rather than trying to control our children's thoughts and feelings, we focus on creating an environment that encourages positive behavior. This includes setting clear boundaries, providing opportunities for learning and growth, and offering support and encouragement.
Reinforce Adaptive (Desired) Behavior: We reinforce our children's adaptive behavior by providing attention and praise when they exhibit positive behaviors/things we'd like to see more of. This helps to encourage them to continue behaving in ways that are beneficial to their development.
Avoid Reinforcing Problematic Behavior: Instead of reinforcing problematic behavior through attention or other means, we focus on redirecting our children towards more adaptive alternatives.
Embrace Mistakes: With a shaping agenda, we understand that parenting is a learning process, and mistakes are inevitable. Rather than seeing mistakes as failures, we see them as opportunities for growth and learning.
Focus on Long-Term Development: Success is not measured by winning individual interactions with our children but by observing their behavior grow and develop over time. We understand that change takes time and patience.
By shifting our focus from control to shaping, we can create a more positive and nurturing environment for both ourselves and our children. Rather than engaging in battles of willpower, we can work towards influencing our children's behavior in a way that promotes their long-term development and well-being.
In conclusion, adopting a shaping agenda allows us to let go of the unrealistic expectation of controlling our children's thoughts and feelings. Instead, we focus on creating an environment that supports their growth and development, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships with our children.