The Importance of Shared Power in Relationships

In all relationships (romantic, family, friendships), there are certain dynamics that define the health and well-being of the relationship dynamic.

Healthy relationships are built on foundations of trust, equality, and mutual respect, where both parties feel safe and valued. However, not all relationships adhere to these principles, and when these foundations are out of balance, it might point to signs of coercive control.

What is coercive control?

Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviors used by one person to dominate and control another, typically within an intimate or close relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which can be easier to see happening, coercive control operates on a more insidious level. It can be quite invisible to those outside the relationship, and hard to notice even within the relationship. It is something our legal system is only just starting to recognise, and remains hard to protect people from. It can leaving people feeling trapped, isolated, and powerless. However, both coercive control and other forms of relational violence often co-occur, and can escalate to more dangerous behaviours over time.

What is a healthy relationship dynamic?

To understand coercive control, it's essential to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics:

1. Equality vs. Control:

   In healthy relationships, partners share decisions and responsibilities equally. However, in relationships characterized by coercive control, one partner exerts dominance by making all the decisions, dictating the other's actions, and imposing restrictions on their freedom.

2. Honesty vs. Dishonesty:

   Healthy relationships thrive on open communication and honesty. Conversely, in relationships where coercive control is present, one partner may manipulate the truth, withhold information, or engage in deceitful behavior to maintain power and control over the other.

3. Physical Safety vs. Physical Abuse:

   Feeling physically safe is fundamental in healthy relationships. Coercive control often involves physical abuse, where one partner uses force or physical violence to assert dominance and instill fear in the other. This can also include escalating behaviors such as throwing objects, punching walls or changing body positions in a way that leaves the other person feeling less physically safe.

4. Respect vs. Disrespect:

   Mutual respect is a cornerstone of healthy relationships, where partners value each other's opinions, boundaries, and autonomy. There is space to disagree and respect each person's differences. In contrast, coercive control manifests through disrespect, belittlement, and degradation of the other person's thoughts, feelings, and rights.

5. Comfort vs. Intimidation:

   Healthy relationships provide comfort and security, allowing partners to be themselves without fear of judgment or reprisal. Coercive control, however, creates an atmosphere of intimidation, where one partner uses threats, manipulation, or ultimatums to instill fear and exert control over the other.

6. Sexual Respect vs. Sexual Abuse:

   In healthy relationships, sexual activity is consensual, respectful, and based on mutual desire and comfort. Coercive control involves sexual abuse, where one partner coerces or forces the other into unwanted sexual activities against their will.

7. Independence vs. Dependence:

   Healthy relationships foster independence and autonomy, where both partners maintain their identities, interests, and social connections outside of the relationship. Coercive control breeds dependence, where one partner seeks to isolate the other, instill feelings of helplessness, and undermine their sense of self-worth.

8. Humor vs. Hostility:

   Laughter and enjoyment are characteristic of healthy relationships, where partners share moments of joy and camaraderie. In contrast, coercive control breeds hostility, where one partner uses intimidation, manipulation, or aggression to maintain dominance and control over the other.

Breaking the Cycle

Stepping away from coercive control requires recognition, support, and empowerment. It requires standing strong in the face of these inequalities to first establish safety and then increase autonomy.

It can require leaving the relationship until a time if the perpetrator changes their behavior, maintains these changes and is willing to engage in respect and honesty. People must be encouraged to trust their instincts, reach out for help, and access resources such as counseling, legal aid, and support groups - these resources are there to help!

By raising awareness, fostering empathy, and promoting healthy relationship dynamics, we can work towards standing strong against coercive control and building safer, more equitable communities for all.

Learn more:

• 1800RESPECT

• Safe and Equal

Gabrielle Williams 07/03/2024